Nonviolent Communication

Marshall Rosenberg’s approach to engaging with others in a way that avoids judgement and conflict – by expressing feelings, identifying needs and making requests rather than demands.

BASED ON THE WORK OF MARSHALL ROSENBERG

we all have the capacity to be compassionate

Based on the work of the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, nonviolent communication emphasises how we can engage with other people in a way that avoids judgements and conflict by expressing our feelings and needs. Through this, Rosenberg argues, we can empathise with each other and connect with other people as equal human beings, recognising our commonalities rather than our differences.

Nonviolent communication is underpinned by the idea that we all have the capacity to be compassionate with others but often don’t have the language that allows us to understand each other’s emotions and needs. Violence and conflict happen when we try to meet our needs but can’t find a way of doing this that considers or understands other people’s feelings and needs.

IN PRACTICE

observations, not judgements

Within social pedagogical settings, nonviolent communication helps the person we support to understand their own feelings and needs and how these might influence their behaviour, shows the person that we care about them, and helps to de-escalate and resolve conflicts in a way that enables the person to understand how others might be feeling. Here, a Scottish residential child care worker describes a Danish nursery called The Green Giraffe, which uses nonviolent communication on an everyday basis:

‘One of my most important findings was that the pedagogue should make observations not judgments. If one child took another child’s toy, or ran into another, Steve would make an observation on the child’s actions and not jump to the rescue unless immediate danger was present. This observation would always be factual: “look at what your action has done to the spilled glass of milk” or “Ben, please look at Rosie. How does she look now that you have run into her? Do you think she is upset? Maybe you could apologize and look out for her next time?” The absence of judgements and threats is crucial here. As I watched these mini lessons unfold before me, I questioned whether I would have reacted in the same way or if I might have said something like “Don’t be so clumsy, Ben”, or “If you do that again, you will not be allowed to play anymore”.’

A Scottish residential child care worker, reflecting on a visit to The Green Giraffe nursery, Denmark

THE FOUR ELEMENTS

1. Observations

Very often we evaluate, judge and interpret what other people do, saying things like ‘they are hard to engage’, ‘he is a bully’ or ‘she is so inconsiderate’. These statements don’t tell us much about what actually happened – and they certainly don’t offer a concrete suggestion of how someone could behave differently. It is therefore important to distinguish observations from interpretations: ‘I asked you to leave the chocolate bars on the table but when I turned around you took one’ rather than a value judgement about the person.

2. Feelings

It’s important to distinguish between what we think and how we feel, and to dig deeper to find out why we have a particular reaction. That then allows us to express our feelings in a way that does not imply judgement or blame (‘you reckless idiot!’) but shows how we are emotionally affected by a situation (‘when you changed lanes right in front of me I got really scared’). This is more likely to get a compassionate response than escalation.

3. Needs

Behind every human behaviour is a positive unmet need. The need to be loved and the need to belong might prompt us to be generous and kind, but the same needs might also cause a young person to join a gang. Nonviolent communication argues that we all have the same human needs – needs are universal – but we have developed different strategies for meeting them. This is why it is important to express our own needs, and to explore what somebody else’s needs might be: ‘could it be that you’re feeling upset because you have a need to relax?’

4. Requests

In order to show appreciation and help somebody else understand what we would like them to do, it is important to make a request rather than a demand. Note the difference: ‘it is okay to walk here in the corridor’ rather than ‘don’t run in the corridor’. We want others to genuinely understand and show compassion for our feelings and needs. So instead of ‘I’m disappointed that you haven’t done your homework yet’ (which makes a child feel guilty), we might say ‘it’s really important to me that you do your homework, because I want you to do well in school – would you be happy to do it in half an hour?’

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE

helpful reminders

Remember that behind every behaviour lies a positive human need. It’s not the need that’s causing the conflict but the strategy the person has chosen to meet it.
Make an effort to listen to understand, rather than listening to reply. Check your intentions – are you as interested in others getting their needs met as your own?
Instead of saying what you DON’T want someone to do, say what you DO want them to do. Instead of saying what you want someone to BE, say what you’d like them to DO.
Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing. Instead of saying “No,” consider what need of yours prevents you from saying “Yes.”

Interested in learning more about how nonviolent communication can support difficult conversations that improve relationships? Then join our next online experiential course on Courageous Conversations.